he loves me... he loves me not...

i just listened to Wes's sermon on the prodigal son... which was totally amazing. anyways, this week has been one of the weirdest in my life, as a few of you know- cuz i have lashed out my frustrations on you :) sorry! lol anywayssss... so this week, well the past like 4 days, have been marked with a very deep frustration with life. i had 2 exams earlier in the week and so i was consumed with studying for them and therefore very busy. but once they were over, i didn't have anything totally consuming my attention. so i fell victim to my thoughts. this brought on a very heavy depression. i feel utterly useless.

i am very bored here. i think this might be going hand in hand with homesickness, lack of friends, holidays approaching, and just being tired of school. but i am trying to find a balance in this new environment. as you all know im super active and here it gets cold so NO ONE goes outside :( i dont like that. but i am trying to find different ways to combat that with what me and mimi call "winter excitement"

so back on topic. i just feel like i have been sitting around here doing a whole lot of nothing. i went to a food pantry saturday morning and served the homeless and had a great time but after i felt horrible, even worse and more frustrated. i just feel like its insufficient. i feel like there is SO much that can, and should be done to help the needy and find the lost, yet i am here sitting in a 4x4 box staring at my computer for 97 hours a day. &*%@^#&$&!

frustration

but i think wes's sermon has really hit on what i needed to hear. it isnt about always acting. i was stressing myself out with guilt at my inaction, but the sermon taught me that im not earning any more love by having this need to help. so i need to take a step back, gain some perspective and do things He is calling me too.

too often out here i have found myself trying to do alot on my own when really the answer is to invite him in to help me.

i look around and realize i am in one of the most beautiful places i have ever been. this school, the buildings, the trees bring tears to my eyes because they are so freakin beautiful! like how lucky am i? He chose me to go here. and im getting pissy about not doing anything. i need to start appreciating what is in front of me. like this beautiful building. my friends. this state. my state. my classes. my new community. my forever community. and the promises i know god still holds for me.

please pray with me that we all can be thankful, truly thankful for what we have right in front of us, right now.

im very thankful for him bringing me here, and i need to realize what a blessing this has been, no matter how sad i get. i am extremely thankful for each one of you. you know you have changed my life and im only surviving out here because i have a strong backbone of amazing, *cough* jewish* friends supporting me :)

happy thanksgiving. may god bless your time with your family and may he fill you and your families with immense peace and great love this year. may thankfulness and joy for one another completely overcome you and your families. love you. amen

honor thy.. blah blah blah

hello

this new page of life has been.. hmm.. a jumble. idk i imagine a bag of random trinkets, somethings you really want to keep, some things you will forget about, somethings you are embarrassed/ashamed about, and then things that make you happy/proud to have in your possession.

well seeing all those things together, has really made realize some things about life, of course guided by God.

but all in all one thing that i have found to ring true that i hope can find you each in your own places of life and maybe make you reconsider or rethink your view on honoring your mother and father.

i had parents weekend last weekend but the days before i was pondering what it was going to be like and i was wondering if we would fight, if it would be stressful, etc. in this i began asking myself why i had such problems with my parents.

God also popped into my head some failures i have had hear dealing with alcohol and boys.. things i have really been struggling with (guilt,shame,confusion,anger,more shame) anyways... god correlated the honor thy father and mother thing right then and there. i was confused about why i couldnt get along with my parents and why i kept screwing up with Him. he showed me that they are related. that i never have taught myself discipline to have enough respect for my parents to follow their guidelines, so why would i magically know how to follow guidelines? i have absolutely no form of obedience in my life. although this might sound harsh or negative i see it as freeing because it is a huge epiphany. i realize some of you probably already know this or have correlated these issues, i have not, until now. it is huge and i think this will change a lot in my relationship with my parents as well as with god. i'm super humbled by the fact that i do not respect my parents..the people who have o generously provided me my life... and the fact that i have not respected god.. i am horribly saddened by myself in this respect but it is such a healthy sadness because it is the kind i am praying brings about a drastic change. i'm super charged for this and i think it might be some fresh perspective to all of us, or simply a renewal just that God has done sooo much for us, he is the reason, the purpose, for our existence, and all we have to do is CHOOSE to obey him, how simple. i don't know why it took me THIS LONG to realize how simple and yet beautiful this small thing is. but the fact is is that i have a problem... ok i have a ton of problems. i need to fess up to those. i need to be accustomed to the fact of my brokenness in order to understand how incredibly unworthy i am but because it loves me i should and i want to respond with loving obedience. my new life theme (for this season) is to be gods teachers pet. i want to follow him and be his star and for once in my life make him truly proud. i know that in itself is a broken statement. but honestly i want him to be proud of me for doing good with my life, for changing and following him devotedly, as a good daughter who adores her daddy!

thats all for now! cant wait to see your beauty-filled faces in 2 days :D

lo- we neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed to skype like now! kk xoxox

stuff of legends. Response

dayne.

i dont know if you realize but you are one of the wisest people i know. all those things you said to both of us, to all of us, are things 18 year olds dont think about. you are an amazing, god-gifted lady and as much as you dont think it, god is taking you places. although you my not e moving away, or commuting to a university, He has you exactly where He has you for His purpose. He is using you to change the lives of your small group. think about how important that is. you have the greatest examples in front of you who showed us all how to become amazing individuals and still love the same god and love eachother. they showed us that growing up is beter done when you grow together. and they showed us that relationships arent just about being friends. they are about loving til youre lost, dying to yourself for the sake of a sister, reaching higher than you know you can because even if you fall there will be 6 hands to catch you. relationships are about redefining the worlds definition of a friend, about laughing until you pee and then laughing 100 times harder, its about being vulnerable, about being honest, about being emotional, but most importantly ts about being together. christine and gemma never hesitated to love us, they never hesitated to befriend us, they never hesitated to lay down their lives, their freetime for our sake. they not only led by example but they lived by it. so dayne, you have no better path before you. you have no greater challenge than teaching these way-too-stylish freshmen exactly those things. but you can do it simply by loving, by being yourself. you ARE going places. very very mazing places.

girls

i simply want to thank you for these past 4 years. you are the only thing that has remained constant and consistent in my life. you have made all the difference and high school would have killed me without you. thank you for never judging, for always advising, for always loving, for always holding me, for always pushing me to greater heights, for encouraging, for helping, for instilling joy, for laughing endlessly, for loving god, for being the best peer examples i had, for loving me even though i never deserved it. thank you all for teaching me exactly what a relationship, a friendship can/should look like. thank you all for changing my life. thank you all for being the sisters i have never had. thank you for your support, i dont think you will ever understand just how much that meant to me. thank you for being there in the moments that mattered, and thank you for cheering me on. thank you being yourselves, even when we got annoyed with echother, i never would have wanted you to change a single thing. thank you all for your superb music taste... i now feel much more badass :] but really thank you for being jew, for sticking with it. for never surrendering wht we have for something that seemed greater. because what we have is the stuff of legends. what we have is priceless. what we have can NEVER be replaced. what we have wil last forever.

Christine and gem

speaking for myself, i would be absolutely nothing without the 2 of you. i cannot thank god enough for the gigantic blessing he gave me by you 2 as small group leaders. i want to thank you for being my best friends. its weird for me to think sometimes that you both are 5/6 years older than us but you still love hanging out with us like all the time. it really is an honor and i really do appreciate your friendship. i want to thank you for every single sacrifice you have made to be at church on sunday, to be at starbucks every monday night, to open up your home to us at anytime and for any amount of time. you honestly are the biggest and best servants of christ. you worship him through obeying him and through loving on each one of us. i want to thank you guys for NEVER failing to be there for me when im in a hard place. you guys have been so solid and im so beyond thankful. honestly all those things i wrote above to dayena i have learned from you 2. you have taught me sooooo much and imparted so much wisdom. but honestly you provided opportunity for a sisterhood to be formed and i think that is what im most grateful for. you guys stuck with us and stuck beside us and helped us become the best group of friends i could EVER have imagined to be blessed with. when i take the time to think of the way god has blessed me just in you 6 i fall on my face because its an immesearble blessing.

well all in all this is never a goodbye. it is a see you ater because i will be back, i will be stalking you on fb, and i will be staring at your beautiful faces through the means of a computer screen :]

i love you al so deeply and im so proud of the beautiful daughters of the Father you have become.

never say never

so over the past year, and more specifically the past few months, i have learned the depth of this statement, "never say never." there have been many incidents when i thought the impossible was just that impossible. i have come to realize it is much more possible than i could have ever imagined. i will categorize these from worst to best, least to greatest if you will:

1. dallas @#*%^&$ viva :] well... if you did not already hear...me and him started talking again around Prom and were talking about getting back together and stuff like that(early June). well then a week later he tells me he is done done done. i was shocked but whatever. i come to find out (at my grad party) that he had been on 3 dates with this girl starting at the end of may up until my party... overlapping time for those who dont see it. and i come to find out that they were involved physically you could say. to make a long story short... dallas continues to go to a friend of mine, Cameron, who had expressed interest in me while at our beach house. one evening the guys did their own thing, dallas approached cameron and told him to watch out with me for a few reasons, from his own experience. he said "ya she went back and forth between me and sean for about 8 months, but if you can handle that, thats good. ohh and we were together for 11 months and i never got anything out of her, but after 2 dates with paige i got head. so kinda pointless." obvi not exact words but definitely very close. when cameron first told me i cried, then i was angry, then hurt. i NEVER thought he would sink that low, i never thought he could say that 11 months meant nothing, and i never thought i would hate him. never say never.

2. friends...my "friends have been interesting to say the least. i dont really even know what to think anymore. i just dont understand. we have been friends for 5+ years but they are willing to give up on the friendship (or just dont care at all) in order to remain friends with dallas(whom they have know less time than me-- like a year). its cool that we all stay friends i guess but the fact that they constantly look to him and his approval (by always talking to him, inviting him to everything(invited ahead of me), and spending as much time talking about him and his escapades as possible) im sure im overreacting and im just sick of their shit. but in all realities in what world do friends ever pick the ex boyfriend over the best friend? i guess this is a new twist on the romantic comedy/tragedy. woo. i never thought that i would be the one to feel left out, alone, betrayed, forgotten, but my "friends" have succeeded in accomplishing all of those impossibilities. never say never.

3. surprise! yes there is something good in this. haha God has shown himself to me in new ways through our D group book and also through Proverbs and encouragement i have been getting from a certain gorgeous foreigner :] God has really stepped up to be my friend, father, lover, brother, and confidant. it is very very difficult for me to be satisfied with just Him in these roles because i still crave for the tangible but i am learning. i look at it as almost fasting. and i think its bben good in some ways. we are learning together and i really know that He is here for me and that he has surrounded me by love. its just still hard to fully grasp. but it is the one diamond in the ruff that i have to report. im just thankful i have one! i never thought God would be so real to me. never say never.

i dont even know..

so this is some emotional mumbo jumbo that i just need to get out before i cave in inside...

so tonight at bible study was absolutely amazing i wish you all could have been there. i got so much information and stuff to ponder on and it was so thought provoking, something i love. it really struck a chord with me and im very grateful for brandon and his teaching and intellect. after he was done i really had something on my chest that i wanted to get off but when i looked around everyone was caught up in their own conversations. me being who i am... i refuse to tell people my thoughts, my emothions, whats on my chest, unless it is pried out or i have a good and open situation in which to share. this comes from a deep hurt that my mother and father instilled. when i was little and growing up i would go to tell them things and they would ignore me, move on to one of my brothers, or brush my problems aside. this has caused me to fear my feelings especially if i feel the urge to share them. i dont like talking about how i feel, i would much rather take a shovel and burry them as deep as possible, but i have come to know that this is extremely unhealthy. well getting back to my point, i was actually hurt tonight by the lack of... lets be honest... attention. and i know how extremely selfish it sounds, that is the other reason i shy away from even posting this but im on a roll. i feel like no one hears what i have to say and actually cares. there have been so many situations when i share my problems and my pains and the 'listener' immediately changes the subject to their problems or qualifies my dilema with something they have experienced. i realize that is a coping mechanism for some but to me it just makes me more angry. i just feel like i have no one to openly turn to especially when i get hurt. because when i get hurt i get angry and ,y anger continues to build... hence why im writing this. i hate ,yself for mistakes i have made and i hope this isnt a mistake that alienates you guys, i want this to bring us together. i dont want special attention becuase i whinned about not getting enough, i would just appreciate a little acknoweledgment. i feel like alot of the time im the ultimate listener. which i am more than willing to be but sometimes i just need someone to listen. i have alot of pain on my heart right now and im very scared for many reasons but im not going to shout them to the east and to the west. i love you guys more than my life and i want us to grow as sisters. i would never be this open with my own family but this is my conscience effort to put myself out there and grow with you guys. you mean alot to me and i want you to know where im at. im trying to not be angry because all this anger is coming from lies but right now i cant help it. i love you and i appreciate all the listening you have done. i know this was harsh and im sorryif i hurt your feelings, not my intention. but if i did or didnt i would still love to talk to you. each of you has a significant portion of my heart and i want those portions to ngrow and maintain strength. im terrified of what is ahead and i need you guys by my side as im sure you need me and the rest of us by your side to take this next step.

thanks for listening

sacri... what?

sacrifice. what a word. so much is summed up in the simplicity of 9 letters. pain and sorrow but also strength and reward. what i get the most out of this word is serve.

sometimes sacrifice is something that is necessary. i have succeeded and failed at sacrificing so many times and it usually comes down to how selfish i am feeling that day. it is an interesting observation to come to. but one thing that comes out of laying down your desires, dying to yourself, is the reward of Daddy. he does notice the smallest sacrifices and even will call us to sacrifice the smallest things. this is like Christine's give and take. there is so much to learn from what we can DO for others. the beauty of this is in the sacrifice.

although what i have been struggling with is the absence of getting anything back. i feel like i put myself out there i open myself up, i lay myself down, but i get nothing out of it. i feel lik i am constantly giving and serving and helping and listening. but what comes of that? what do i do with that? i dont plan to stop doing what i have been doing because i enjoy helping, but i need to find some kind of release or common ground.

i think at times i even use this as an 'escape' or excuse to push all my BS o the back of my heart and focus on the task at hand. this just makes it harder because it gets pushed deeper and deeper making my heart heavier and heavier. then when i try to pull it out it feels uncomfortable and i stop because i would rather just have it all inside.

the strange outlets i see to this burden are the things that pierce my heart. the things that hurt because the emotion and the pain mixes together and the BS is able to leak out through the new, raw holes. i dont know if i like this realization. ever since i came to it i have felt physically sick. doesnt seem right to me.

just keep chugging along tho because stopping and being stagnant never really helped anyone.

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! word vomitt. it just comes out

screaming. punching. cursing. casting spells. ok jk. but really i feel like im gonna explode. today during worship i thought my insides were about to splatter all over everyone around me. it would have been funny to watch at least. until you realized you had a piece of my lip stuck to your cheek. ewww.. anyway... today has been interesting. the past 10 minutes have been terrible. i come home from work to find my parents practically crying over a stupid incident. then my moms starts firing questions to which i hastily respond and try to get the hell outta her like of view. when it doesnt work and she can see the seething, hear the frustration, she asks the famous, attitude-filled question, "what is wrong with you?" right about now i go through my rolodex of grievances, stresses, and angers... its pretty long. ha. but i decide to tell her that i have alot going on that im super stressed out and that i hate coming home from work and having her give me more work. i tell her i have my finals this week as well as all my AP tests next week [even writing this tightens the STUPID knot in my stomach. yay.] she looks down then proceeds to go about shuffling papers. silent. cool. i love being condoled and encouraged, thanks mom. oh wait..

then sitting here just typing away, dave leaves for work. just kinda sneaks out the door like he is escaping. wish i could do that. i guess only 2 more months. its just been a really fun night. ohh and i kinda want to shoot my leg:]

sorry for the depression. on a happier note i saw some cool people at work today, llike old friends and people i have really missed [kehl] and this one guy told me i look like this prof at FJC then proceeded to tell me about how he used to be in love with her but had to join the army and then she married a midget. he was pissed cuz he is 6'7 and says she could do better. he was awesome.

on a terrible note my day goes from good to bad to great to boring to funny to terrible.. gotta love life

and i cant get these stupid thoughts out of my head about how i will never freaking measure up and how there are so many effing restrictions on what i can and cannot do, on who i can and cannot be because people have these damn preconceived notions about me. sometimes i just dont understand the shit i have gone through. and i dont want to be the one that has to continue to go through it. i want to give up everyday. i hate the world. but hey guess if i can change one life, make one right, do one thing good, maybe all this crap will have been worth it in then end. i sure have alot to make up for..

fTaRkUeE

i wish that there was a commandment that said be a true person. be genuine and wholehearted in your actions because pretending is like lying, pretending is like slapping the other person in the face, being fake is not being at all.

magic

there are just those moments. those moments that make your heart stop. those moments where you question if you are awake, alive. those moments when your feet fly off the ground carrying your weightless body higher and higher. i had a moment today. in the midst of stress, anguish, and crying out. a friend. a dear friend simply chose to talk to me, to make me smile. it changed everything. not only did my heart flop, but my demeanor changed. in the next class we rad about a frog getting chewed up by a lawn mower but despite the gruesome story i couldnt help but smile. my heart was smiling. this, i believe, was a glimpse at god's joy, His peace, and a piece of heaven that he has to offer us. He is all consuming, imagine if we truly experienced Him for all that he is. imagine the change that would bring to so many hearts. and today all it took was a true friend.

tree of life

i have all these thoughts in my head, in my heart. but i dont know where they go.

i feel like i have no outlet and they just continue to grow.

i suffocate as the walls close in, im shrouded in the darkness.

but then my daddy steps in, holds me close and softens all my hardness.

i whisper "save me, i need you now."

he says, "my dear i'll never leave. i simply dont know how."

in him i find safety, security and release,

in him i find my purpose and the reason i will never cease.

i will love him forever for he has always been

the only one beside me, through the thick and through the thin.

i am lost without him, but i am finding my way

he never will let go of me, in my heart he will stay

he is my tree of life, and i am his

we need each other to get through this

his roots drive down into my heart

never to be uprooted, torn apart.

day 1

i aas searching through a catalogue and i stumbled upon a page with alot of awesome things. one was this awesome wood carving of a cute lil elephant. another was this quote... "just when the caterpillar thought her world was over... she became a butterfly." this has a bit to do with my URL so ya :] one more quote: "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me"