sometimes sacrifice is something that is necessary. i have succeeded and failed at sacrificing so many times and it usually comes down to how selfish i am feeling that day. it is an interesting observation to come to. but one thing that comes out of laying down your desires, dying to yourself, is the reward of Daddy. he does notice the smallest sacrifices and even will call us to sacrifice the smallest things. this is like Christine's give and take. there is so much to learn from what we can DO for others. the beauty of this is in the sacrifice.
although what i have been struggling with is the absence of getting anything back. i feel like i put myself out there i open myself up, i lay myself down, but i get nothing out of it. i feel lik i am constantly giving and serving and helping and listening. but what comes of that? what do i do with that? i dont plan to stop doing what i have been doing because i enjoy helping, but i need to find some kind of release or common ground.
i think at times i even use this as an 'escape' or excuse to push all my BS o the back of my heart and focus on the task at hand. this just makes it harder because it gets pushed deeper and deeper making my heart heavier and heavier. then when i try to pull it out it feels uncomfortable and i stop because i would rather just have it all inside.
the strange outlets i see to this burden are the things that pierce my heart. the things that hurt because the emotion and the pain mixes together and the BS is able to leak out through the new, raw holes. i dont know if i like this realization. ever since i came to it i have felt physically sick. doesnt seem right to me.
just keep chugging along tho because stopping and being stagnant never really helped anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment