pain

today was a day that made e reflect on everything that has happened this year. i cannot believe how horrible of a year it has been. i am truthfully quite disgusted to see the all the pain and heartache that has been wrought on loved ones through death and sickness. in this past year baby Cara Rose was born and died within 16 days with an extremely unexpected birth defect. my childhood friend Nick died in a terrible motorcycling accident just months after returning his life to Christ's path. it was horribly unexpected as all accidents are. A boy from my high school was in a dirt biking accident, in a coma for 2 weeks, and then died. then Kaitlyn suddenly had an extremely rare form of lung cancer and died a week after her diagnosis. this was unexpected, as all cancer is. Then Gary took his life, the most unexpected of any event i ever could ever have imagined experiencing in my lifetime, and by far the most raw and difficult to deal with. in this year my uncle had a heart attack, and 4 good friends grand/parents were diagnosed with cancer, 2 are still fighting, 2 came out victorious (thank you God). and today i found out a friend from hs was in a coma with meningitis.

i feel justified in asking, "why?"

i feel justified in stringing together curse words and shouting them at God

i feel justified in curling up into a ball and crying for the rest of my life

i feel justified in becoming a hermit and never speaking again

i feel justified in rejecting God for letting this happen

i feel justified in succumbing to depression

and as badly as i want to do all of these things, i will not, i can not. by his grace He wont let me. by his grace He has revealed that he has bigger plans. by His grace He has shown me that there can be joy in the midst of suffering and He has shown me that He is worthy to be praised with every breath we take. as much as i would like to understand why all this happens, i don't know if it would help. it wouldn't take away the pain, it wouldn't fill the whole where life used to be. it really would just give us one more thing to analyze. so i am thankful for Gods mystery. I do hate how broken our world is that people have to leave it in such ways.

i just hope and pray that this year is over. i hope that this terrible 12 month period is confined to these 12 months. i pray that this grief can be dealt with instead of multiplied. i don't know how much more my heart can handle. i feel like i have the weight of the world pulling on my heart.

i miss Gary so much.

home again, gone again

on coming home: well.. im sorry i didnt really get to see everyone and all, but to be honest (and i dont mean to offend) the weekend was perfect and a taste of what i needed. i am officially serious about going to N Ireland next year to do the school of missions. for once in my life im allowing myself to have a break. I cant do this. its so hard. this last week has been one of the hardest of my entire life. and right now, i dont want to go back to school and leave my home. i dont want to go back and have to apply myself, i dont want to go back an have my roommates not understand that i am still sad. i want to give up. with all that i am i dont want to keep moving. but that is where gods strength steps in, He peels me off the floor. He stands me on my feet and he leads me, cuz im too blinded by tears, by hurt, and by sorrow. but now that he is my guide i have comfort. i cannot wait for June 9th to roll around (my last day of finals) then i will be joyful. i hope and pray there will be more moments of joy in between but i know they will be few and far between. for now know that i love each and every one of you and im so thankful for the support and love you give to me. it means the world