i dont even know..

so this is some emotional mumbo jumbo that i just need to get out before i cave in inside...

so tonight at bible study was absolutely amazing i wish you all could have been there. i got so much information and stuff to ponder on and it was so thought provoking, something i love. it really struck a chord with me and im very grateful for brandon and his teaching and intellect. after he was done i really had something on my chest that i wanted to get off but when i looked around everyone was caught up in their own conversations. me being who i am... i refuse to tell people my thoughts, my emothions, whats on my chest, unless it is pried out or i have a good and open situation in which to share. this comes from a deep hurt that my mother and father instilled. when i was little and growing up i would go to tell them things and they would ignore me, move on to one of my brothers, or brush my problems aside. this has caused me to fear my feelings especially if i feel the urge to share them. i dont like talking about how i feel, i would much rather take a shovel and burry them as deep as possible, but i have come to know that this is extremely unhealthy. well getting back to my point, i was actually hurt tonight by the lack of... lets be honest... attention. and i know how extremely selfish it sounds, that is the other reason i shy away from even posting this but im on a roll. i feel like no one hears what i have to say and actually cares. there have been so many situations when i share my problems and my pains and the 'listener' immediately changes the subject to their problems or qualifies my dilema with something they have experienced. i realize that is a coping mechanism for some but to me it just makes me more angry. i just feel like i have no one to openly turn to especially when i get hurt. because when i get hurt i get angry and ,y anger continues to build... hence why im writing this. i hate ,yself for mistakes i have made and i hope this isnt a mistake that alienates you guys, i want this to bring us together. i dont want special attention becuase i whinned about not getting enough, i would just appreciate a little acknoweledgment. i feel like alot of the time im the ultimate listener. which i am more than willing to be but sometimes i just need someone to listen. i have alot of pain on my heart right now and im very scared for many reasons but im not going to shout them to the east and to the west. i love you guys more than my life and i want us to grow as sisters. i would never be this open with my own family but this is my conscience effort to put myself out there and grow with you guys. you mean alot to me and i want you to know where im at. im trying to not be angry because all this anger is coming from lies but right now i cant help it. i love you and i appreciate all the listening you have done. i know this was harsh and im sorryif i hurt your feelings, not my intention. but if i did or didnt i would still love to talk to you. each of you has a significant portion of my heart and i want those portions to ngrow and maintain strength. im terrified of what is ahead and i need you guys by my side as im sure you need me and the rest of us by your side to take this next step.

thanks for listening

sacri... what?

sacrifice. what a word. so much is summed up in the simplicity of 9 letters. pain and sorrow but also strength and reward. what i get the most out of this word is serve.

sometimes sacrifice is something that is necessary. i have succeeded and failed at sacrificing so many times and it usually comes down to how selfish i am feeling that day. it is an interesting observation to come to. but one thing that comes out of laying down your desires, dying to yourself, is the reward of Daddy. he does notice the smallest sacrifices and even will call us to sacrifice the smallest things. this is like Christine's give and take. there is so much to learn from what we can DO for others. the beauty of this is in the sacrifice.

although what i have been struggling with is the absence of getting anything back. i feel like i put myself out there i open myself up, i lay myself down, but i get nothing out of it. i feel lik i am constantly giving and serving and helping and listening. but what comes of that? what do i do with that? i dont plan to stop doing what i have been doing because i enjoy helping, but i need to find some kind of release or common ground.

i think at times i even use this as an 'escape' or excuse to push all my BS o the back of my heart and focus on the task at hand. this just makes it harder because it gets pushed deeper and deeper making my heart heavier and heavier. then when i try to pull it out it feels uncomfortable and i stop because i would rather just have it all inside.

the strange outlets i see to this burden are the things that pierce my heart. the things that hurt because the emotion and the pain mixes together and the BS is able to leak out through the new, raw holes. i dont know if i like this realization. ever since i came to it i have felt physically sick. doesnt seem right to me.

just keep chugging along tho because stopping and being stagnant never really helped anyone.