i dont even know..

so this is some emotional mumbo jumbo that i just need to get out before i cave in inside...

so tonight at bible study was absolutely amazing i wish you all could have been there. i got so much information and stuff to ponder on and it was so thought provoking, something i love. it really struck a chord with me and im very grateful for brandon and his teaching and intellect. after he was done i really had something on my chest that i wanted to get off but when i looked around everyone was caught up in their own conversations. me being who i am... i refuse to tell people my thoughts, my emothions, whats on my chest, unless it is pried out or i have a good and open situation in which to share. this comes from a deep hurt that my mother and father instilled. when i was little and growing up i would go to tell them things and they would ignore me, move on to one of my brothers, or brush my problems aside. this has caused me to fear my feelings especially if i feel the urge to share them. i dont like talking about how i feel, i would much rather take a shovel and burry them as deep as possible, but i have come to know that this is extremely unhealthy. well getting back to my point, i was actually hurt tonight by the lack of... lets be honest... attention. and i know how extremely selfish it sounds, that is the other reason i shy away from even posting this but im on a roll. i feel like no one hears what i have to say and actually cares. there have been so many situations when i share my problems and my pains and the 'listener' immediately changes the subject to their problems or qualifies my dilema with something they have experienced. i realize that is a coping mechanism for some but to me it just makes me more angry. i just feel like i have no one to openly turn to especially when i get hurt. because when i get hurt i get angry and ,y anger continues to build... hence why im writing this. i hate ,yself for mistakes i have made and i hope this isnt a mistake that alienates you guys, i want this to bring us together. i dont want special attention becuase i whinned about not getting enough, i would just appreciate a little acknoweledgment. i feel like alot of the time im the ultimate listener. which i am more than willing to be but sometimes i just need someone to listen. i have alot of pain on my heart right now and im very scared for many reasons but im not going to shout them to the east and to the west. i love you guys more than my life and i want us to grow as sisters. i would never be this open with my own family but this is my conscience effort to put myself out there and grow with you guys. you mean alot to me and i want you to know where im at. im trying to not be angry because all this anger is coming from lies but right now i cant help it. i love you and i appreciate all the listening you have done. i know this was harsh and im sorryif i hurt your feelings, not my intention. but if i did or didnt i would still love to talk to you. each of you has a significant portion of my heart and i want those portions to ngrow and maintain strength. im terrified of what is ahead and i need you guys by my side as im sure you need me and the rest of us by your side to take this next step.

thanks for listening