gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! word vomitt. it just comes out

screaming. punching. cursing. casting spells. ok jk. but really i feel like im gonna explode. today during worship i thought my insides were about to splatter all over everyone around me. it would have been funny to watch at least. until you realized you had a piece of my lip stuck to your cheek. ewww.. anyway... today has been interesting. the past 10 minutes have been terrible. i come home from work to find my parents practically crying over a stupid incident. then my moms starts firing questions to which i hastily respond and try to get the hell outta her like of view. when it doesnt work and she can see the seething, hear the frustration, she asks the famous, attitude-filled question, "what is wrong with you?" right about now i go through my rolodex of grievances, stresses, and angers... its pretty long. ha. but i decide to tell her that i have alot going on that im super stressed out and that i hate coming home from work and having her give me more work. i tell her i have my finals this week as well as all my AP tests next week [even writing this tightens the STUPID knot in my stomach. yay.] she looks down then proceeds to go about shuffling papers. silent. cool. i love being condoled and encouraged, thanks mom. oh wait..

then sitting here just typing away, dave leaves for work. just kinda sneaks out the door like he is escaping. wish i could do that. i guess only 2 more months. its just been a really fun night. ohh and i kinda want to shoot my leg:]

sorry for the depression. on a happier note i saw some cool people at work today, llike old friends and people i have really missed [kehl] and this one guy told me i look like this prof at FJC then proceeded to tell me about how he used to be in love with her but had to join the army and then she married a midget. he was pissed cuz he is 6'7 and says she could do better. he was awesome.

on a terrible note my day goes from good to bad to great to boring to funny to terrible.. gotta love life

and i cant get these stupid thoughts out of my head about how i will never freaking measure up and how there are so many effing restrictions on what i can and cannot do, on who i can and cannot be because people have these damn preconceived notions about me. sometimes i just dont understand the shit i have gone through. and i dont want to be the one that has to continue to go through it. i want to give up everyday. i hate the world. but hey guess if i can change one life, make one right, do one thing good, maybe all this crap will have been worth it in then end. i sure have alot to make up for..

fTaRkUeE

i wish that there was a commandment that said be a true person. be genuine and wholehearted in your actions because pretending is like lying, pretending is like slapping the other person in the face, being fake is not being at all.

magic

there are just those moments. those moments that make your heart stop. those moments where you question if you are awake, alive. those moments when your feet fly off the ground carrying your weightless body higher and higher. i had a moment today. in the midst of stress, anguish, and crying out. a friend. a dear friend simply chose to talk to me, to make me smile. it changed everything. not only did my heart flop, but my demeanor changed. in the next class we rad about a frog getting chewed up by a lawn mower but despite the gruesome story i couldnt help but smile. my heart was smiling. this, i believe, was a glimpse at god's joy, His peace, and a piece of heaven that he has to offer us. He is all consuming, imagine if we truly experienced Him for all that he is. imagine the change that would bring to so many hearts. and today all it took was a true friend.

tree of life

i have all these thoughts in my head, in my heart. but i dont know where they go.

i feel like i have no outlet and they just continue to grow.

i suffocate as the walls close in, im shrouded in the darkness.

but then my daddy steps in, holds me close and softens all my hardness.

i whisper "save me, i need you now."

he says, "my dear i'll never leave. i simply dont know how."

in him i find safety, security and release,

in him i find my purpose and the reason i will never cease.

i will love him forever for he has always been

the only one beside me, through the thick and through the thin.

i am lost without him, but i am finding my way

he never will let go of me, in my heart he will stay

he is my tree of life, and i am his

we need each other to get through this

his roots drive down into my heart

never to be uprooted, torn apart.

day 1

i aas searching through a catalogue and i stumbled upon a page with alot of awesome things. one was this awesome wood carving of a cute lil elephant. another was this quote... "just when the caterpillar thought her world was over... she became a butterfly." this has a bit to do with my URL so ya :] one more quote: "i can do all things through christ who strengthens me"