my prayer

Hello my dear friend. Here I am again, sitting at your feet ashamed, turning my face from you, trying to hide. You know my struggles, you know my weakness. I continue to hurt myself in not bringing glory to your name, so I hide. I run away I cant get away from your look fast enough. You pierce my very soul. It is like loving someone but not telling your heart about it. Like keeping a secret from the other half of your body. Impossible and insane but yet still I try. In my weakness, in my self-loathing, in my disgust and my sickness, there you are. There are your hands once again reaching out to hold me, to pick me up to brush away the tears and the pain. Lord here I am at your feet wanting with all that is in me to be different. I am here laying myself bare saying take what you will Father and leave the rest behind. Lets walk into this new season as exactly that, new. Nothing holding me back, nothing holding me down. Freedom in this heart, for this day, this hour, this year. Lord that I may not look at the ground on which I walk but faithfully look straight into your eyes and trust that my path is before me. I am like the lady who looks back and is turned to sand. But by your grace my substance remains. Father help me to let the past be in the past and to walk separately from my mistakes, my pains, my insecurities. That they would not have a hold over me that I cannot break. That they would not blind me from the potential you have stored up in me. Father I look at this past, all these ruins, these messages of pain, the stories untold, the secrets locked away, and I turn my back on this, not forgetting, not locking away forever, but free to run forward, free to jump into your arms and clasp on to the truth you hold for me there. I am done with walking out of the winter and looking toward the springtime. Lord I want to be in the springtime, I have been walking for a long time.

These scars tell stories and they arent going anywhere, but lord I pray that they would be just that, scars. No longer open wounds that bring me back, reeling in pain. Lord I speak release over my own life to live. No longer a captive to the pain inside or the weaknesses that make me who I am. I claim those weaknesses as bits of beauty you have placed in my heart to be complimented by others, friends, family, and above all, you. I understand so much better now, that you are the strength in my weakness. Lord that you would overpower the enemies inside me, the lies I cannot escape, the ones soo rooted I dont know how to dig them out.

Father I look to you. You are all I have. You are all I want. Help me

had i the world..

tonight i watched the Good Friday sermon on the Joshua House (the young adult church of vineyard Columbus). it is absolutely amazing and i recommend it to anyone with 30 minutes to spare (so that means everyone). but girls, honestly i am so changed. i feel hit so deeply with the sacrifice Jesus made for me. it made it so much more real, and my petty problems so small. like i cannot control myself for 5 minutes and yet Jesus laid down His life in utter obedience to christ. how magnificent is that? well to me its a lot more magnificent now. i am so dumbfounded by how he loves us. it is so impossible to fathom the true extent of his love for us, a people who daily turn our backs on Him, our one consistent action. his love for a people so quick to deny His power in our lives, so quick to chose something, anything, over him. how could anyone love a people so disrespectful, hurtful, thoughtless, disloyal? well thank God he wasn't just someone. He was the Son of God. and hallelujah forever. i am just so thankful for all he has done

he has given me such a different outlook and an intimate, tangible love. i feel it pressing down on my chest, filling me and overwhelming me. He still chose to create us, He still chose to love us, He still chose to DIE for us. giving up everything. absolutely everything he lived for, so that i could sit here on my high horse and feel entitled to worldly things.

oh how beautiful He is and how undeserving I am. oh how he loves us. the most wonderful mystery.

just thought i'd share

xoxo

pain

today was a day that made e reflect on everything that has happened this year. i cannot believe how horrible of a year it has been. i am truthfully quite disgusted to see the all the pain and heartache that has been wrought on loved ones through death and sickness. in this past year baby Cara Rose was born and died within 16 days with an extremely unexpected birth defect. my childhood friend Nick died in a terrible motorcycling accident just months after returning his life to Christ's path. it was horribly unexpected as all accidents are. A boy from my high school was in a dirt biking accident, in a coma for 2 weeks, and then died. then Kaitlyn suddenly had an extremely rare form of lung cancer and died a week after her diagnosis. this was unexpected, as all cancer is. Then Gary took his life, the most unexpected of any event i ever could ever have imagined experiencing in my lifetime, and by far the most raw and difficult to deal with. in this year my uncle had a heart attack, and 4 good friends grand/parents were diagnosed with cancer, 2 are still fighting, 2 came out victorious (thank you God). and today i found out a friend from hs was in a coma with meningitis.

i feel justified in asking, "why?"

i feel justified in stringing together curse words and shouting them at God

i feel justified in curling up into a ball and crying for the rest of my life

i feel justified in becoming a hermit and never speaking again

i feel justified in rejecting God for letting this happen

i feel justified in succumbing to depression

and as badly as i want to do all of these things, i will not, i can not. by his grace He wont let me. by his grace He has revealed that he has bigger plans. by His grace He has shown me that there can be joy in the midst of suffering and He has shown me that He is worthy to be praised with every breath we take. as much as i would like to understand why all this happens, i don't know if it would help. it wouldn't take away the pain, it wouldn't fill the whole where life used to be. it really would just give us one more thing to analyze. so i am thankful for Gods mystery. I do hate how broken our world is that people have to leave it in such ways.

i just hope and pray that this year is over. i hope that this terrible 12 month period is confined to these 12 months. i pray that this grief can be dealt with instead of multiplied. i don't know how much more my heart can handle. i feel like i have the weight of the world pulling on my heart.

i miss Gary so much.

home again, gone again

on coming home: well.. im sorry i didnt really get to see everyone and all, but to be honest (and i dont mean to offend) the weekend was perfect and a taste of what i needed. i am officially serious about going to N Ireland next year to do the school of missions. for once in my life im allowing myself to have a break. I cant do this. its so hard. this last week has been one of the hardest of my entire life. and right now, i dont want to go back to school and leave my home. i dont want to go back and have to apply myself, i dont want to go back an have my roommates not understand that i am still sad. i want to give up. with all that i am i dont want to keep moving. but that is where gods strength steps in, He peels me off the floor. He stands me on my feet and he leads me, cuz im too blinded by tears, by hurt, and by sorrow. but now that he is my guide i have comfort. i cannot wait for June 9th to roll around (my last day of finals) then i will be joyful. i hope and pray there will be more moments of joy in between but i know they will be few and far between. for now know that i love each and every one of you and im so thankful for the support and love you give to me. it means the world

a prayer.

i want someone to hold tight. deny the flesh

i want someone to complete me. deny the flesh

i want someone to love me. deny the flesh

i want. deny the flesh

wants are no longer something i will choose to have. i want to be free of wants and survive off of need. i want to starve so i can be abundantly thankful for bread. i want to be close to death so i can be abundantly thankful for life. i want to find death so that i can live in joy. i want to only want what he wants. i want to only do what he does. i want to be so desperate for him that i cannot take the next breathe without feeling him near.

"lord make me an instrument of your peace. where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there in injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O lord grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. for it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen."

i want to lay down my selfish intentions to only see yours.

i want to be humbled.

may you, by your grace make it so.

screw neverland

i want to be grown up.

mostly i want to be around adults, or people that are generally mature. i am sick of childish bull shit.

when will people understand that sleeping with a large amount of guys is not a score card to rank you on a coolscale. or that the more weekends you party, they more trashed you get, the more vulnerable you seem. i know i dont have all the answers and im just as immature as any other 5 year old when it comes to giggling at poop and having little self control. I just am so tired of hearing story after story of "what happened this weekend" who cares? is this what college has really become about. my friend pretty much failed her first quarter because of partying, and now she as joined a sorority that has already become more important than her classes. i dont know how to reach these people. i was once one of them, desperate for the people around them to think they are cool.

i dont even think cool is in God's vocabulary. maybe radical, maybe boss. but cool is too tightly bound by performance.

that lifestyle is exhausting and cancerous. i just am so burnt out hearing about it, thankfully im not living it out. i just need the power and patience to get through the stories and see the broken hearts behind them. i just need to have faith and trust him that He is working and can save these lost ones. i am just tired, so tired. these people make me so sad. i want all of them to see the light so badly. but His timing is what is important.

love is all i can give.

i have realized that he is among the poor. that is where he dwells, in the midst of need, because out of need blooms desperation and dependence upon Him. this is where we should be, clinging to the hem of His robe, needing Him to get through each day, utterly dependent on what He has for us this day. heart fully abandoned, unable to move, think, breathe without the Father first acting.

he loves so deeply, yet we whore ourselves around to booze, drugs, friends, relationships, image.

i want to be free of that. i dont want to turn my back on him and become a whore in his sight. i want to be solely his, completely devoted.

jumbled thoughts and feelings. lifted up and surrendered. pain and joy, always seem hand in hand

he loves me... he loves me not...

i just listened to Wes's sermon on the prodigal son... which was totally amazing. anyways, this week has been one of the weirdest in my life, as a few of you know- cuz i have lashed out my frustrations on you :) sorry! lol anywayssss... so this week, well the past like 4 days, have been marked with a very deep frustration with life. i had 2 exams earlier in the week and so i was consumed with studying for them and therefore very busy. but once they were over, i didn't have anything totally consuming my attention. so i fell victim to my thoughts. this brought on a very heavy depression. i feel utterly useless.

i am very bored here. i think this might be going hand in hand with homesickness, lack of friends, holidays approaching, and just being tired of school. but i am trying to find a balance in this new environment. as you all know im super active and here it gets cold so NO ONE goes outside :( i dont like that. but i am trying to find different ways to combat that with what me and mimi call "winter excitement"

so back on topic. i just feel like i have been sitting around here doing a whole lot of nothing. i went to a food pantry saturday morning and served the homeless and had a great time but after i felt horrible, even worse and more frustrated. i just feel like its insufficient. i feel like there is SO much that can, and should be done to help the needy and find the lost, yet i am here sitting in a 4x4 box staring at my computer for 97 hours a day. &*%@^#&$&!

frustration

but i think wes's sermon has really hit on what i needed to hear. it isnt about always acting. i was stressing myself out with guilt at my inaction, but the sermon taught me that im not earning any more love by having this need to help. so i need to take a step back, gain some perspective and do things He is calling me too.

too often out here i have found myself trying to do alot on my own when really the answer is to invite him in to help me.

i look around and realize i am in one of the most beautiful places i have ever been. this school, the buildings, the trees bring tears to my eyes because they are so freakin beautiful! like how lucky am i? He chose me to go here. and im getting pissy about not doing anything. i need to start appreciating what is in front of me. like this beautiful building. my friends. this state. my state. my classes. my new community. my forever community. and the promises i know god still holds for me.

please pray with me that we all can be thankful, truly thankful for what we have right in front of us, right now.

im very thankful for him bringing me here, and i need to realize what a blessing this has been, no matter how sad i get. i am extremely thankful for each one of you. you know you have changed my life and im only surviving out here because i have a strong backbone of amazing, *cough* jewish* friends supporting me :)

happy thanksgiving. may god bless your time with your family and may he fill you and your families with immense peace and great love this year. may thankfulness and joy for one another completely overcome you and your families. love you. amen