he loves me... he loves me not...

i just listened to Wes's sermon on the prodigal son... which was totally amazing. anyways, this week has been one of the weirdest in my life, as a few of you know- cuz i have lashed out my frustrations on you :) sorry! lol anywayssss... so this week, well the past like 4 days, have been marked with a very deep frustration with life. i had 2 exams earlier in the week and so i was consumed with studying for them and therefore very busy. but once they were over, i didn't have anything totally consuming my attention. so i fell victim to my thoughts. this brought on a very heavy depression. i feel utterly useless.

i am very bored here. i think this might be going hand in hand with homesickness, lack of friends, holidays approaching, and just being tired of school. but i am trying to find a balance in this new environment. as you all know im super active and here it gets cold so NO ONE goes outside :( i dont like that. but i am trying to find different ways to combat that with what me and mimi call "winter excitement"

so back on topic. i just feel like i have been sitting around here doing a whole lot of nothing. i went to a food pantry saturday morning and served the homeless and had a great time but after i felt horrible, even worse and more frustrated. i just feel like its insufficient. i feel like there is SO much that can, and should be done to help the needy and find the lost, yet i am here sitting in a 4x4 box staring at my computer for 97 hours a day. &*%@^#&$&!

frustration

but i think wes's sermon has really hit on what i needed to hear. it isnt about always acting. i was stressing myself out with guilt at my inaction, but the sermon taught me that im not earning any more love by having this need to help. so i need to take a step back, gain some perspective and do things He is calling me too.

too often out here i have found myself trying to do alot on my own when really the answer is to invite him in to help me.

i look around and realize i am in one of the most beautiful places i have ever been. this school, the buildings, the trees bring tears to my eyes because they are so freakin beautiful! like how lucky am i? He chose me to go here. and im getting pissy about not doing anything. i need to start appreciating what is in front of me. like this beautiful building. my friends. this state. my state. my classes. my new community. my forever community. and the promises i know god still holds for me.

please pray with me that we all can be thankful, truly thankful for what we have right in front of us, right now.

im very thankful for him bringing me here, and i need to realize what a blessing this has been, no matter how sad i get. i am extremely thankful for each one of you. you know you have changed my life and im only surviving out here because i have a strong backbone of amazing, *cough* jewish* friends supporting me :)

happy thanksgiving. may god bless your time with your family and may he fill you and your families with immense peace and great love this year. may thankfulness and joy for one another completely overcome you and your families. love you. amen