screw neverland

i want to be grown up.

mostly i want to be around adults, or people that are generally mature. i am sick of childish bull shit.

when will people understand that sleeping with a large amount of guys is not a score card to rank you on a coolscale. or that the more weekends you party, they more trashed you get, the more vulnerable you seem. i know i dont have all the answers and im just as immature as any other 5 year old when it comes to giggling at poop and having little self control. I just am so tired of hearing story after story of "what happened this weekend" who cares? is this what college has really become about. my friend pretty much failed her first quarter because of partying, and now she as joined a sorority that has already become more important than her classes. i dont know how to reach these people. i was once one of them, desperate for the people around them to think they are cool.

i dont even think cool is in God's vocabulary. maybe radical, maybe boss. but cool is too tightly bound by performance.

that lifestyle is exhausting and cancerous. i just am so burnt out hearing about it, thankfully im not living it out. i just need the power and patience to get through the stories and see the broken hearts behind them. i just need to have faith and trust him that He is working and can save these lost ones. i am just tired, so tired. these people make me so sad. i want all of them to see the light so badly. but His timing is what is important.

love is all i can give.

i have realized that he is among the poor. that is where he dwells, in the midst of need, because out of need blooms desperation and dependence upon Him. this is where we should be, clinging to the hem of His robe, needing Him to get through each day, utterly dependent on what He has for us this day. heart fully abandoned, unable to move, think, breathe without the Father first acting.

he loves so deeply, yet we whore ourselves around to booze, drugs, friends, relationships, image.

i want to be free of that. i dont want to turn my back on him and become a whore in his sight. i want to be solely his, completely devoted.

jumbled thoughts and feelings. lifted up and surrendered. pain and joy, always seem hand in hand